


i wish you liked girls

by aphantasiac



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: F/F, Highschool AU, Lesbian AU, Tags May Change, background crystal/gigi, cheerleading au, i wish you liked girls by abbey glover, kinda song inspired
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-11
Updated: 2020-07-20
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:15:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 16,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24121942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aphantasiac/pseuds/aphantasiac
Summary: Those two girls frame the real star of the show, who walks between them with her head held high. Jackie can't take her eyes off her. Straight blonde locks pulled back into a tight ponytail, not a single strand out of place. Her cheeks are full and pink and her teeth are white when she smiles and waves at the gathering of girls who have fallen silent since the trio walked in. The pink and purple cheer skirt swishes around her upper thighs and the top hugs her waist tight and Jackie almost doesn't hear Nicky talking beside her."Who's the blonde bomb in the center?" Nicky asks, "She looks like a big deal."Jackie wets her lips, leans her head a bit in Nicky's direction but never pulls her eyes away from the blonde. "Janet Mantione. And she is."--Jackie joins the cheer squad, and falls for the hot, sweet, straight captain.
Relationships: Jackie Cox/Jan Sport, Jan Sport/Jackie Cox
Comments: 80
Kudos: 185





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> okay so this is the recent product of my quarantine brain. i was looking for inspiration and the song came up and then i started to think of cheerleaders and this was born. not sure if i'll continue, not sure how far this will go, but if you guys like it, let me know and ill try to write more! enjoy!

The gymnasium is unreasonably hot when Jackie is sitting at the bottom of the bleachers, amongst fifteen or twenty other girls, waiting for tryouts to start.  
  
She's not there because she particularly wants to be there. Jackie's mother and father argued for the past week over Jackie joining a sport. Her mother argued that her time should be put to her studies, to getting good grades and looking into medical colleges. Her father reasoned that some exercise would be good for Jackie's body and mind and help her excel. He won the argument when he pointed out that doctors need to be in good shape to save lives.  
  
Jackie didn't get a choice if she wanted to do sports or not. Actually, she was leaning more towards the school's theater program, which she was apart of in sophomore year. But her father let her choose which sport, and cheerleading has the most redeeming qualities.  
  
It's still performing, with a team in a campy and upbeat way. Jackie doesn't get to sing, doesn't get to act, but she still gets to put on a show.   
  
Tryouts were meant to start about ten minuets ago, and Jackie keeps looking from the heavy gym doors to the empty wooden table with three chairs behind it. She suspects the seats are preserved for the coaches, who she was told would be holding the tryouts. The other girls are starting to get restless, the chatter about makeup and hair and appearance filling the air and Jackie stays away from it because she knows absolutely no one there.   
  
Jackie is in her own little bubble at the bottom corner of the bleachers. Her mind is playing over the routine she had been told to learn. Provided with just a video of a routine and the lyrics to one of the cheers, all of the girls were given a week to practice. Jackie maybe didn't put her all into it, but she got around to practicing and memorizing it.   
  
And even if she does fail, doesn't make the team, maybe she can convince her parents to let her join theater again instead.  
  
"First time?"  
  
Jackie turns to look behind her, the thick accent that has popped her bubble matching up to a skinny blonde girl sitting just behind her, a couple steps higher.   
  
"Yeah, it is. You?"  
  
The blonde nods her head, and is already maneuvering down so she's beside Jackie. Her face reads as cold and sassy but when she smiles at Jackie and holds out her hand, it's very clear that's not the case. "I'm Nicky. I just moved from France to here."  
  
Jackie vaguely remembers hearing Heidi mention a new french girl in her class. She takes Nicky's hand and shakes it. "Jackie. Nice to meet you."  
  
"Great, I have a question, Jackie." Nicky says, and Jackie raises her eyebrows. "Did I get my timing wrong? Or are these bitches just really late?"   
  
Jackie can't help but laugh, not sure if Nicky was meaning it as a joke or was really serious. Nicky starts to chuckle too and Jackie decides to take it as a joke, but looks around the gym. The doors are still sealed closed and the table remains empty and a couple of the girls are checking the time on their phones.  
  
"No, they're really late. Like, fifteen minuets-" Jackie's voice fades out when the doors gym doors crack open.  
  
It's not the coaches Jackie expected. Actually, they're not coaches at all. Three girls, with glittery makeup and high ponytails and ridiculously short skirts walk in, and Jackie's mouth goes dry.  
  
There's Gigi Goode on one side. Tall, thin, unarguably beautiful with silky red curls flowing out of her ponytail. She looks like the type to be snobby and rude, but the blush on her button nose and smile tell a completely different story. Also, Jackie knows better, because she sits next to Crystal in Biology, and all she hears about it how funny Gigi is and how sweet and weird Gigi is and how apparently soft her hands are.  
  
The other end is Roxanne Sakura. Known school wide just as Rock, she is the short, curvy, beautiful weirdo with the black ponytail that secured her spot on the cheer team thanks to a background in dance. Jackie has had a few interactions with Rock, all of which have been hilarious and enjoyable. They probably would have been good friends, had Rock not gotten scooped into the hands of the pretty and popular cheer girls.  
  
Maybe they will be friends, since Jackie is about to willingly offer herself up to those same girls.  
  
Those two girls frame the real star of the show, who walks between them with her head held high. Jackie can't take her eyes off her. Straight blonde locks pulled back into a tight ponytail, not a single strand out of place. Her cheeks are full and pink and her teeth are white when she smiles and waves at the gathering of girls who have fallen silent since the trio walked in. The pink and purple cheer skirt swishes around her upper thighs and the top hugs her waist tight and Jackie almost doesn't hear Nicky talking beside her.  
  
"Who's the blonde bomb in the center?" Nicky asks, "She looks like a big deal."  
  
Jackie wets her lips, leans her head a bit in Nicky's direction but never pulls her eyes away from the blonde. "Janet Mantione. And she is."   
  
Everyone knows Jan. She was the school's lead in their production of _West Side Story_ last year, that was probably the most successful show in a very long time for the school thanks to Jan's powerful vocals and natural talent to act and dance as well. Speaking of talent, she also won the last three talent shows with her live singing that manages to get the whole gym on their feet when she belts out notes to Ariana Grande or Lady Gaga songs. She's known to be very upbeat and sweet. She's also on the soccer team, too, but more importantly she's the captain of the cheer squad this year.   
  
She's talented, she's athletic, she's pretty, she's nice, and she's popular. So yes, she is a big deal.  
  
Jackie doesn't realize she's explaining this all out loud to the french girl sat beside her, who's eyes are wide now and staring back at Jackie.  
  
"Wow...you know a lot about her."  
  
"Everyone does. She's the most popular girl here." Jackie says in defense to an unconvinced Nicky.  
  
What Jackie doesn't voice out loud is the crush she's had on Jan since the start of senior year. Well, really she's had a thing for Jan since freshman year. Jackie had just moved from Canada when she first set eyes on Jan. Jackie was still trying to sort out her sexuality then, and her attraction to Jan had helped her come to terms with the fact that she will never be attracted to men the way she is to women. But Jackie and Jan never actually interacted with each other until the beginning of this year.   
  
A brief meeting in the hallway, when Jackie had clumsily dropped her papers and Jan stopped to help her pick them up. That's when it really started.  
  
Nicky scoffs, a whole 5 minuets into knowing Jackie and already reading her like a book. "Sure, Jackie, sure."  
  
\----  
  
Nicky makes the team, Jackie is pleasantly surprised. The french student may have a bit of a cold vibe upon first look, but as soon as the music turns on, she lights up and absolutely turns it out. She hits every beat of the routine, and recites the cheer very well even through the language barrier. The three girls sitting at the wooden table fall in love with her immediately, and Jackie learns to never judge a book by it's cover.  
  
The thin blonde is back beside Jackie while some of the other girls take their turn. Jackie congratulates her with a smile that doesn't quite reach her eyes. Nicky had made it look so effortless, so natural. There is no topping it, and Jackie is suddenly very self conscious of her own abilities.  
  
_"Next...Jacklyn Cox!_  
  
Gigi's voice comes over the speakers in the gym. Jackie almost misses it, but Nicky shoves her shoulder lightly to wake her from her mind.  
  
Jackie scurries to the center of the court, her sneakers squeaking on the polished wood every time she steps with too much pressure. She can feel the eyes of about ten girls behind her watching how her hands fidget with each other behind her back. She can feel the eyes of the girls in front of her, as they take in Jackie's nervous smile and make their silent judgments in their mind.  
  
Mostly, though, she can feel Jan's gaze. Electric eyes that meet with Jackie's darker ones.  
  
The music starts then, and Jackie is a little late to react, distracted by blue eyes and blonde hair. It's fumbly at the beginning as Jackie catches up and gets herself back into the groove. It's a performance, she reminds herself. She's not auditioning for the team anymore, no, in her mind she's auditioning for the role of a cheer leader in a play. This all already feels out of her comfort zone, but thinking of it from a theater perspective helps her feel more in her element.  
  
Jackie's lips spread in the brightest smile she can manage without looking crazy, and she recovers from her slip up smoothly. From then on, the dance is easy. She pulls out each move from memory and even if it's not perfect, she sells it with a smile.  
  
The cheer goes much better. It's arguably the easiest part, at least for Jackie it is. As a girl in love with theater, memorizing words and then delivering them in front of others is what she does. Her voice is loud, upbeat and cheery just like the girl in the video she was given. It's cracks with some words, but the cheer is said and she doesn't miss any lines or have to repeat any words. And the simple choreography, consisting mostly of claps and raising her fists in the air, is easy enough that she doesn't even have to think about it.  
  
Jackie's out of breath by the end of it.   
  
The gym falls silent, except for hushed whispers between the three cheer judges in front of her. Anticipation pricks in Jackie's feet while she catches her breath, watches them closely. She knows she didn't do as well as Nicky, or some of the other girls that made the team. But Jackie thinks she did well. She smiled through it, at least, something very important in stage and cheer performances alike.  
  
Gigi and Jan don't seem to agree on something, and Rock seems pretty neutral. It's only a few moments of quietness, but it feels like hours when Jackie is standing there, shifting on her feet. They seem to come to some sort of agreement, the girls leaning away from each other and looking back to the brunette in the middle of the gym.  
  
Jan doesn't look super pleased, and it's makes Jackie's heart sink. She knows what's coming, prepares herself for rejection.  
  
Gigi clears her throat. "Jacklyn, I'm sorry but-"

_"You're on the team!"_

The auburn haired girl is completely taken aback when she's cut off, and so is Jackie, and the rest of the gym attendants. Everyone's suddenly looking to the culprit who's sat beside Gigi, leaning halfway across the table, unbothered by the offended grunt from the skinny girl.

It's Jan, who blurted out the acceptance, who's smiling directly at Jackie now and completely ignoring a glare from Gigi.  
  
Jackie can't focus on Gigi either, too busy looking back at Jan with shock. And Gigi doesn't try to fight back more than that, because even though she doesn't agree, Jan is the captain.  
  
Jackie forgets how to speak. Her mouth doesn't work for a good couple of seconds. She was sure she wasn't going to make it. Almost didn't. If Gigi had her way, she wouldn't have. But Jan saved her, saw something in her that deemed her worthy of being on her team. Jackie forces out some breathy chuckles, squeezes her hands together.  
  
"Thank you! So, so much!"  
  
Jan nods and their eyes connect again. They don't break away until Gigi's irritated voice calls another name over the speakers.  
  
Jackie rejoins Nicky, who's waiting on the bleachers with a grin barely holding back her excitement. She squeals, hugs her briefly and Jackie can practically feel Nicky holding back something. The two last five minuets in silence, watching more girls go up, before Nicky's voice seeps through.   
  
"So, you and Jan..." Nicky finally cracks, smirking wide at Jackie, who dramatically rolls her eyes.

"Shut up."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jackie tackles day one of practice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you guys wanted more, so here it is! im really not too sure where i want to go next, i got a couple ideas swimming around, but ill totally continue if you guys like this. enjoy!

"You did _what_?"  
  
Heidi's voice is loud in Jackie's ear, enough to make her pull the phone away and turn on speaker instead.  
  
"I joined the cheer team. I'm a cheerleader."   
  
Jackie leans back in her chair and brings her feet up on her desk, careful not to ruin the pages of homework sprawled across it. Her eyes stare at her pastel yellow socks with little bananas on them, and she balances the phone on her knee while her hands are occupied with a bag of chips. It's only been a day since tryouts, and the reality that she's now a cheerleader hasn't really set in yet.  
  
She told her parents that she made the team as soon as she came home that day. Her father was pleased and happy as he congratulated her, and her mother smiled and asked about her biology quiz instead, so there's that. Two very different vibes. Really, Jackie just doesn't know how to feel.  
  
So she called Heidi to get her opinion.  
  
"Girl..." Heidi starts, and Jackie can practically hear her shaking her head. "Do you even know what you're getting yourself into?"  
  
Jackie crunches on a chip. "...No, not really."  
  
"Jackie-"  
  
"I'll be fine! It can't be that hard!"  
  
Heidi laughs loud over the phone. "Girl, you can't even touch your toes!"   
  
Heidi continues to laugh, and Jackie pretends to be offended for a good moment before she joins in. However, Heidi does have a point, one Jackie did not take fully into consideration. She doesn't know what to expect. Jackie really isn't super flexible, Heidi was right about that. Jackie joined for the performance aspect, but didn't completely think about the possibility of having to do back bends and high kicks and all sorts of flexible cheerleader stuff.  
  
Jackie changes the topic, decides instead to walk Heidi through the whole tryout experience.   
  
Nicky is the first topic to come up, the new friend Jackie has made. They haven't talked very much since tryouts, Nicky put Jackie's number in her phone and they've exchanged a couple of texts back and forth. Heidi is shocked to hear how pleasant and friendly Nicky is, and Jackie figures she must have seen the resting bitch face and assumed Nicky was bitchy and mean. It's a very easy trap to fall in to.  
  
She moves on to talk about the tryout itself. Jackie mentions her slip up in the routine, and how close she came to not making it. She mentions how Jan _saved_ her.  
  
"She must have seen something she liked," Heidi starts, "Because we all know you can't dance for shit, Jackie."  
  
"Heidi- That's not true!" Jackie's voice is high pitched, but amused.  
  
"Which part?"  
  
Heidi cackles and Jackie pouts a little, and it's all in good fun. Heidi is the only person Jackie had ever talked to about her little crush on Jan. She trusts Heidi, probably more than anyone else in the entire school. Heidi was the first friend Jackie made when she moved, the first person Jackie ever came out of the closet to, and the first person to embrace Jackie and remind her that she is amazing.   
  
She likes to make fun of Jackie's crush sometimes, sure, but Heidi has always been nothing but supportive and Jackie couldn't ask for a better best friend.  
  
"Look, Jackie, go have fun," Heidi says, her tone much less joking and much for genuine. "If you want to put on glitter eye shadow and short skirts and do high kicks with the popular girls, you do that boo. Just promise me one thing."  
  
Jackie hums. "What?"  
  
"Please, please, _please_ don't leave me sitting alone at lunch."  
  
Jackie tosses her head back and she's the one laughing loud now. "I won't, promise."  
  
\---  
  
Jackie hates wearing shorts.  
  
It's not a self confidence problem. Jackie is not self conscious. She doesn't have an issue with how she looks in shorts. Actually, the loose lilac colored fabric hugging her waist and brushing around her thighs looks kinda cute on her, paired with the pink shirt tucked into them, and she poses in the mirror on the inside of her locker in the locker room to take in the look  
  
Shorts are just uncomfortable. They're either too breezy and loose or tight and small and they make her constantly feel like someone is staring at her ass.  
  
Jackie doesn't really have a choice, because even for practices there's a uniform. She thought Nicky was joking when she told Jackie over the text. But Jackie walked into the gym and was handed a small stack of clothing and told to go change in the locker room. It consisted of airy purple shorts with the school's logo on the side, and a pink t-shirt bearing the words ' _RuPaul Charles Academy Cheer Team_.' There's also white crew socks and white sneakers and Jackie likes them because they're comfortable and also kinda cute.  
  
The whole practice uniform looks nice together on Jackie. But Jan just looks stunning in it.   
  
Jackie changed quickly and she waits for the practice to start while sitting on the bleachers. She wrestles her hair into a ponytail and waits for Nicky to come back from the locker room. Her eyes land on the blonde across the room, who decided to braid her hair and tie up her shirt like a crop top. Jan is with Gigi and Rock and Jaida Hall too, the school's resident cheerleader/basketball player/beauty queen. They're all getting in some pre-practice stretches and Jan is laughing at whatever dumb joke Rock just made.   
  
Jan stretches her arms over her head, tilts forward on her toes, and Jackie's mouth goes dry at the sight of Jan's abs flexing with the stretch.   
  
"If you stare any harder, your eyes will explode."  
  
Jackie jumps, a small shriek slipping out her lips and almost falls off the edge of the bench. Multiple girls looks over at her, giving her a strange look, but Jackie just looks at Nicky who's dying of laughter and trying to catch her breath.  
  
"Nicky! Don't do that!" Jackie whines, playfully slapping the wheezing girl. "And i'm not staring!"   
  
Nicky rolls her eyes and settles next to Jackie, similar to the day they met at practice. "Yeah, and i'm not French."  
  
There's no winning when it comes to Nicky and Jackie learns that very quickly. She learned it at tryouts, she learned it when they sent a couple texts back and forth since then, and she learns it now. Nicky is just very quick and witty and has already figured out how to push Jackie's buttons. Jackie thought Heidi's teasing about Jan was bad, but Nicky just brings it to a whole new level.  
  
Jackie doesn't have time to come up with any comeback or even change the topic because there's a sudden sharp, high-pitched whistle sound that echoes in the gym. Jackie cringes, but stands up as the whistle drops from Jan's mouth and is replaced with her voice.  
  
"Come on girls!" Jan shouts loud enough to be heard clearly from the other side of the gym, "Make some lines! Lets go!"  
  
Her voice is probably way to cheery for a practice, but Jackie knows first impressions are everything, and Jan is trying her hardest to get everyone excited. Jackie gives her props for having to run the first practice without a coach there to help. It doesn't seem like an easy job. There's about ten girls that have been on the team for at least a year, plus another ten girls that are complete newbies like Jackie, and Jan has to wrangle them all and try to have an organized practice, while keeping a smile on her face and hopefully a smile on everyone else's face. It's a lot.  
  
Jackie looks over at Nicky, who is grinning wide and practically bursting with excitement.  
  
"You ready girl?" Jackie asks.  
  
"Girl, I was born ready!"  
  
\---  
  
Turns out it was Jackie who was, in fact, not ready.  
  
Jackie's legs feel like jelly when Jan releases them from practice at precisely four o-clock in the afternoon. It wasn't a long practice, only two hours. Jackie thought it would go by quick. But two hours of practice felt more like ten and Jackie is glad when it's over.  
  
Jan and Jaida spent the first thirty minuets going over rules. Hair should always be tied up, uniforms clean and worn, no gum, and so on. All things Jackie expected to hear. But then Jan got in to teaching them the warm ups and stretches, and then some of the more basic cheers. Jackie's never had a more thorough work out in her life, and it didn't help that Jan kept looking at her and smiling and absolutely distracting her.  
  
Jackie sits on the cold gym floor and thinks about the conversation with Heidi. She really didn't know what she was getting herself into.  
  
One thing she is very excited for is to get out of those shorts, that have gotten increasingly uncomfortable to be in as the practice went on. Jackie put up for them for the two hours she was required to, and she can put up with them every practice, and now she's just waiting for the locker room to clear out some before she goes back in there. Most of the girls crammed in there to change as soon as practice was over, all in some sort of rush to leave.   
  
Jackie hates the shorts, but she can put up with the thin fabric and the way her thighs stick to the polished floor for a couple more minuets to avoid the mess of shirtless girls trying to fit in that tiny locker room..   
  
"Hey...Jacklyn, right?"  
  
The brunette is midway through pulling her thick hair out of it's restraints when she hears her name in a very upbeat voice. She tilts her head up and back as far as she can, and is met by shocking blue eyes and a beautiful smile. Jan.  
  
"Yeah..that's me.." Jackie hates how her voice cracks when she's not focused on speaking and more distracted by Jan's eyes. "Jackie, actually. Call me Jackie."  
  
"Jackie." Jan repeats, like she's testing the name out on her lips to see if she likes it how it sounds. She comes around so Jackie doesn't have to strain her neck, and extends a hand out to the brunette still sitting on the floor. Jackie takes it, Jan's hand is a little sweaty but very soft, and she lets the captain pull her to her feet. Jan is just an inch or so shorter than Jackie, something she hadn't noticed before.  
  
"Well, Jackie, you did really good today! I had a good feeling about you. Glad I trusted my gut." Jan laughs and Jackie feels like she's floating. She chuckles a little.  
  
Deep down, Jackie knows there is a good chance those words are disingenuous. Jan probably rehearsed that line in her head, and is slowly making her way around repeating them to all the new girls. It's probably the same line she was fed when she joined the team. It's a sweet gesture, really, that Jan wants to get these girls excited. Give them an extra boost of confidence and peppiness to encourage the girls and get them motivated for the next practice. Hype them up for a new cheer season.  
  
Jackie knows the words aren't real, but they are effective in making her smile until her cheeks hurt. "Thanks, Jan. That means a lot."   
  
She reaches up to pull the white scrunchie the rest of the way out of her hair. When it's down, Jackie immediately notices Jan examining her hair. A weird sense of self consciousness runs through Jackie and she starts to comb her fingers through the curls in an attempt to make it look presentable by any means. She doesn't get very far though, because her short nails don't do much to break the knots, and she eventually gives up and accepts her fate.  
  
Of course, the first time she is actually talking to Jan and she probably looks like birds live in her hair.  
  
"Here, let me help, hun." Jan's hand stretches out and Jackie can feel her flipping a couple of curls around, straightening out the mess on her head. Her touch is so gentle when she smooths out the brown curls for her. Her hand brushes her face and Jackie feels like she can't breathe.  
  
She pulls back her hand when she's pleased and Jackie is staring dumbly at her. Jan grins and offers a little wave while she starts to walk away. "I'll see you around, Jackie!"  
  
Jackie allows the air to return to her lungs, and her gaze follows the blonde as she jumps into a conversation with Jaida and another girl. Jackie's mind is equally running so fast and completely blank, which is absolutely as confusing as it sounds. Jackie reaches in her bag and pulls out her phone, and she looks at her reflection. Somehow, in the couple of seconds Jan was messing with her hair, she managed to make it look somewhat nice.   
  
"Jackie!"   
  
Nicky comes striding over, effectively snapping Jackie out of her awe.   
  
"Saw you were talking to Jan. Didn't want to interrupt." Nicky's eyebrows wiggle and Jackie doesn't know if she could handle much more of her ruthless teasing for the day.  
  
"She was just saying that I did well." Jackie shrugs it off. "Probably told everyone the same thing."  
  
For some reason, it hurts a lot more to say it out loud than it did when it was just in Jackie's mind. The words, if they were really just a copy-paste line, had no real meaning. She could have done terrible in practice and Jan would have likely said the same thing just to keep her from quitting the team. But just has a way of selling these weightless words, making them seem so heavy with worth, and Jackie immediately bought them.  
  
If she didn't at first, she was absolutely sold when Jan decided she wanted to play with her hair.  
  
"She didn't say anything to me. Or any of the girls in the locker room." Nicky says while she grabs her backpack and throws it over her shoulder. "Anyways, bye Jackie!"  
  
Jackie is left standing there like a speechless fool twice in a row now. Her teeth chew at her bottom lip and she smiles because maybe, just maybe, Jan did mean it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a look into the mind of a pretty blonde cheerleader

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a jan chapter! most of this story will likely be written from jackie's view, but ill sprinkle in some jan chapters here and there. enjoy!

The only thing louder than the scratching of pencils on paper is the ticking clock in the classroom that Jan keeps staring at.  
  
Half of the class has already turned in the quiz in the first ten minuets and Jan hasn't even made it past question three. It's only ten questions. A ten question Algebra quiz and Jan has only been able to do the three _fill in the blank_ questions, and she's not even so sure about those answers. And now she is just completely blanking on the _solve using elimination_ section of the quiz.   
  
The time is running out fast and Jan watches the hands on the clock slowly slide around. She's wasted almost twenty minuets, and in the last five minuets before time is up she scribbles down a bunch of nonsense and turns the paper over to represent that she's done. The timer rings and the papers are collected and Jan leans back in her chair and wraps her fingers in her hair nervously.  
  
Everyone thinks Jan is good at everything. They want her to be good at everything. She pushes herself to be good at everything and she's just _not_.  
  
"You think you did good?" Gigi's voice calls from next to her, the tall girl fully turning in the plastic chair to face Jan.  
  
Jan's mouth feels dry, but she smiles. "Yeah, it was easy." She lies.   
  
"Oh, totally. This has been the easiest chapter since exponents."   
  
Jan bites her tongue hard enough that she feels it might just fall off. One of the easiest chapters since the beginning of the year and Jan is struggling. She's always had trouble in math, always had a hard time grasping it when number and variables and all of it just gets complicated. She knows Gigi is unaware that she is having a hard time in this class, but the words just unintentionally make Jan feel dumb.  
  
"Yeah, totally." Jan says back, and she really is an excellent actor when she smiles twirls her hair around a finger.   
  
The tests are handed back, just as the bell rings. The nice teacher gives Jan a sympathetic smile as she places the paper face down in front of her. Jan only lifts the corners, just enough to see the red 'F' written on it.   
  
"What'd you get?" Gigi asks, flexing her own high score.  
  
The paper is shoved in Jan's purple backpack, and she slings it over her shoulder. "I got an A."  
  
\---   
  
Jan isn't good at everything, despite what everyone in the school thinks. She can sing. She can dance. She can act, and play soccer, and get a crowd hyped up at a football game. She also struggles in math, sucks at baking, draws in stick figures, her room is messy and her high kicks could certainly use some improvement.  
  
In reality, it's impossible for anyone to be good at everything. And yet people have her on such this high pedestal, and she doesn't want to disappoint.  
  
She pushes herself to be perfect for everyone, or at least do the best she can. It's very stressful, and very tiring, but she really does enjoy the popularity. Her dream as a kid was to be a famous singer, and when other kids at the school started to recognize her talent, it felt amazing. It felt amazing when they applauded her on stage and it felt amazing when they cheered her on in soccer games. Maybe school popularity isn't the same as being famous, but Jan likes to think of it as her preparation for when the world will know her name.  
  
It feels great and it's super fun and also Jan hasn't had a decent night sleep in almost three months.   
  
But Jan is at school every day, sitting with her cheer girls in the cafeteria during lunch, gossiping about the latest news and watching football guys stare at them.   
  
Jaida and Rock have busied themselves with interrogating the newest member to their table, Nicky. Jan knows she's new to the school, and she seemed to be a total sweetheart during tryouts. She was immediately drawn to the positive energy of this skinny little french girl. So when she saw Nicky wandering around the cafeteria, she scooped her up and offered her a seat with the rest of her new cheer family.  
  
Jan isn't paying attention to the conversation, though, because her eyes are following brown curls across the cafeteria.  
  
_Jackie._  
  
Being attracted to girls was another problemfor Jan, maybe the hardest to deal with. She grew up surrounded by religion that implied her feelings were wrong. And for a while, she believed that it was true. Even now, some of that belief lingers in her mind. She thought that she could change, that it was a choice and she had the option to make the right decision by dating boys.  
  
Jan went on lots of dates. She let boys bring her on dates to movies and parks and it was all really nice until she realized they were just trying to get into the pants of a pretty blonde cheerleader.   
  
It took her a while to come to the realization that there was never a choice. And that realization has brown curly brown hair and goes by the name _Jackie_.  
  
"Oh Jannifer-" Gigi calls in a sing-song voice, sliding in the seat beside her. "-what are you staring at?"  
  
Jan's eyes refocus onto the younger cheerleader looking at her and she shrugs, "The boys."  
  
She is very much _not_ looking at the boys.  
  
"You know, I heard Mr. Quarterback has a thing for you." Gigi says and nudges Jan's arm with her elbow.  
  
Jan wants to vomit at that statement. She smiles. "That's too bad. I think that one is hot."  
  
"Which one?"  
  
"The one with the curly brown hair."  
  
Jan can only grin as Gigi scans the whole table of football players in search of the boy with brown curls that just doesn't exist.  
  
Now, Gigi is one of few people at the academy that Jan has extreme respect for. However, Jan also finds herself somewhat jealous of the junior girl. She admires her, but also envies her, simply because she's out of the closet and proud of it, something Jan has not been able to do.  
  
Gigi found her person, her Crystal, and decided she wanted everyone to know and that's all wonderful. But nothing comes for free. When she told the team and word had spread, things changed fast. Gigi wasn't known as smart, fashionable, cheerleader Gigi. She was just Gigi who's gay. A whole reputation wiped away like marker on a whiteboard just because she wanted to be happy with the girl she had fallen for.  
  
But Gigi is handling it very well, because no matter what anyone says, at the end of the day she has Crystal there to support her and hold her and love her through it.   
  
Jan doesn't have a Crystal.  
  
If she looses her reputation, she looses everything she's worked for. So she stays closeted, plays the part of the pretty blonde cheer girl, winks at the football boys and flirts but does all her admiring of the brown haired beauty on the down-low.  
  
\---   
  
Jan throws herself into practice to distract from the fact that she has a very important math test in two days and she barely knows what she's doing.   
  
It's a very Jan thing to do. Push herself even more than usual in the things she excels at to make up for the things she does not do well in. She's very conscious of the fact that this is her way of punishing herself for failing. Doing too much, not taking breaks as often as she should. Even after her heart is racing and her lungs hurt, she continues on even when the rest of the girls have stopped for a water break.  
  
She runs over the beginning moves of the routine they've started to work on, does it three more times before she feels a chilled hand on her shoulder.  
  
"Jan."  
  
Rock's voice is unusually soft, her face cautious, but she's holding two water bottles. One is open and half empty, and one is sealed and being offered up to her.  
  
"Take a break. Drink something. You look pale."  
  
Of course Jan knows she's right. "I'm okay."  
  
"Please?"  
  
Jan gives in, takes the water bottle and cracks it open. The cold water is like icy lightning, disrupting the warmth of her body while she drinks but it quenches the dry thirst in her mouth so it does her job. She hadn't realized how thirsty she was, because half of the bottle is gone when she comes up for air. Rock is smiling knowingly back at her, and it's much better than the nervous, almost pity look she had before.  
  
"Thanks, Rock." Jan says with a small nod.  
  
Rock gets it. She's always got it. Maybe it's because she understands, because she too was thrown into popularity without any warning of the stress that comes with it.  
  
The second half of practice goes by fast, much faster than Jan wants it too. She loathes the textbook that is waiting for her on her bed. Studying is is least favorite thing to do, even though it seems to be the thing filling up most of her free time lately. Jan would rather stay in the gym and work herself to death than sit with her Algebra textbook in her lap and stress over equations and variables. Actually, she'd rather do neither, because she's exhausted and would do anything to curl up in her bed and sleep for more than four hours.   
  
Jan often waits for most of the girls to go before she leaves. She props her backpack up on one of the bleachers, and pulls a purple hoodie out that has been stuffed in there some time during English class. Her backpack is really a mess, papers crammed in everywhere. She sees lots of girls with neatly kept notebooks and binders that are decorated and holds all their papers in neat categories. Jan never was very organized when it came to things like that.   
  
She slips the hoodie on, throws her half-closed backpack over her shoulder and heads towards the gym doors.   
  
"Uh...Jan?"  
  
The voice is immediately recognizable, and when she turns around, Jackie is looking at her with a sheepish smile and a wrinkled piece of paper in her hands.  
  
"Oh, hey Jackie!" Jan greets, a smile on her face that doesn't need to be forced. "Need something?"  
  
The brunette glances down at her paper, a hesitant look on her face, then hands it over to Jan. "This fell out of your bag."  
  
It's the test. The stupid elimination quiz that has almost all the questions marked wrong and a big red F on it.   
  
Embarrassment burns hot in Jan's face as she grabs the test and stares down at it. It couldn't be any other paper in her bag. It couldn't be the Government text that she got a B on. Of course, with her luck, it was the one paper that puts her academic struggles on display in front of the girl she wants to impress more than anyone in that whole school.  
  
"Shit, um...thanks." Jan mumbles, folding the paper as if she can't even stand to look at it.  
  
Jackie nods, and Jan turns away to make her escape. It's probably not that big of a deal to Jackie, or to anyone for that matter. But for Jan, it's absolutely humiliating.   
  
"I could help you!"  
  
Jan stops, hands flat on the big heavy doors that are barely pushed open, a sliver of sunlight coming through. She turns her head, meets wide brown eyes with wide blue eyes.  
  
"I'm really good at math. Honors classes since 7th grade." Jackie explains, her fingers twirling around brown strands that Jan wishes she could touch again. "I can help you."  
  
Jan's teeth bite at the inside of her lip. She's not one to ask for help, or even one to accept it when it's offered. She works through it, does it all herself and if she can't do it, she fakes it until she makes it. But then, it's Jackie who's asking. Who understands how to do math and will work with her through it until she also understands. Who doesn't seem like the type to tease her or call her stupid when she can't _solve for x_.  
  
Who will also have to come over to Jan's house and sit in her room for hours to study with her.  
  
"That would be great, actually." Jan says, walking back towards the slightly taller girl.  
  
She reaches behind her, into the front pocket of her backpack and retrieves a black marker pen. Her hand extends, fingers wrap around Jackie's wrist to bring it up and closer and expose her palm. The cap of her pen catches between Jan's teeth and she pulls it off, holds the plastic in her mouth, and brings the felt tip to the soft skin of Jackie's hand. Her eyes glance up while she scribbled down words and numbers on her palm, and there's no objection from the brunette, who's eyes briefly meet with her's and makes them both smile.  
  
"My number, and address." Jan states, when Jackie's hand has been released and the pen is capped and back in her bag. "Tomorrow, after school?"  
  
"Yeah, that sounds perfect." Jackie's voice is light, staring at Jan's handwriting on her hand like it's gold.  
  
The blonde grins, turns and presses the heavy doors open again. "See you then, Jackie."  
  
Jan leaves smiling like a complete fool, heart bursting with emotions she can't quite put into words, and the pep in her step restored. For the first time this year, and maybe in a couple years, she is very excited to study Algebra.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jackie goes to jans house for a study date

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is messy af but its cute and i hope you guys enjoy!

Jackie has been staring at the black ink on her hand for too long. Longer than she should.

It takes her more than a couple moments to remember how to move her legs after Jan leaves. Actually, it takes a text message from her father, letting her know that he's waiting for her outside. She's silent when she slides into the passenger seat of the vehicle, tries to keep her eyes away from the numbers written into her skin, tries to hide it in her lap with her other hand covering it. But she catches herself lifting her fingers and looking down to see it.

Her father catches it too.

"What's that?" He asks, eyes still on the road and finger loosely pointing to her hands.

"A girl's number." Jackie admits, and quickly realizes how the wording sounds, "One of the girls needed a math tutor, so I offered."

Her father nods slowly, hums and stares straight ahead. "Don't let your mother see. You know she feels about you writing on your skin."

Jackie smiles. Memories of middle school come to the front of her mind. Times when Jackie would sit in her classes and zone out while her teacher's explain information she already understands. When the boredom took over and she would pick up the colorful markers in her pencil case, and start to doodle flowers and stars and hearts all over hand. Her mom didn't like it the first time she did it, scolded her for decorating her skin with permanent markers. She didn't like it the numerous times Jackie did it again after that, until Jackie finally got the message and decided that badly drawn roses and lopsided hearts were not worth hearing the same lecture over and over again.

Her father never minded the drawings. He's always been the biggest supporter of Jackie's creative side.

Jackie slips past her mother with a simple "Hello" and escapes to her room immediately. The door clicks shut behind her and she makes quick work of toeing off her sneakers and setting them in her closet with the rest of her collection of shoes. She sets her bag down beside her desk and falls back on her bed, and her eyes stare at the white popcorn ceiling in her room.

She brings her hand into view, to examine the black marks across her palm. The color has faded just slightly, appearing more gray against her warmer skin tone. Her eyes home in on where the ink has seeped into the cracks of her skin, making the bold black characters slightly imperfect. And then her eyes travel down slightly, land on her wist. Jan had held her so carefully, as if Jackie was made of glass and would shatter if she gripped on any tighter. Her skin still tingles where Jan's fingers once were.

It finally hits in her brain that in less than a day, she'll be in Jan's house. In Jan's room. With _Jan_.

Nervous doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of what Jackie's feeling. She's had her eye on Jan for so long, admired her from the distance set in place by the difference in their popularity. Jan is held on a high pedestal by the whole school, and up until then Jackie has been just a mere observer. She can deal with the short conversations with Jan in the gym, when the chatter of other girl's fills the air between them, and the large gym gives them room to breathe. But the thought of being in such close proximity to Jan, with no barrier, no escape route, makes her bones rattle with anxiety.

Or maybe it's excitement. Because Jackie's also excited to be there with her, to get to know who Jan is outside of a school setting.

Jackie leans up, reaches to her desk for a pencil and any piece of paper she can grab. It ends up being an old English essay, that she flips over and copies down the information on her hand. She'll have to wash it off eventually, before her mother calls her out of her room for dinner. Part of Jackie wishes she didn't have to remove it. Maybe just to stare at the handwriting that is surprisingly neat considering its marker on a hand.

She waits as long as she can. She changes into a comfortable gray flannel shirt and pink sweatpants, pulls her hair out of the messed ponytail and brushes through it, and takes a makeup wipe to her face. Jackie decides it's time to wash it away when she accidentally smudges it with the wipe. The water rinses it away easily, and Jackie watches the tinted water run down the drain until it runs clear again.

The writing on Jackie's hand is gone, but the number is still sitting on her desk, and it occurs to her that Jan is probably expecting a text. Jackie's not sure if she's more nervous about going to Jan's house or just texting her. She goes back to laying on her bed, with her phone in one hand and the 

Jackie adds it as a new contact, naming it "Jan M." She opens up a new message, and then just stares at the keyboard.

Overthinking is a terrible habit of her's and she catches her mind starting to go off on different tangents about what to say, what is too much or too vague. She's never really been the first person to text before. Nicky had sent the first text when they became friends. Even Heidi was the first person to reach out to Jackie, years ago when they met each other.

Jackie silences her mind and focuses on the screen. She types out and deletes a couple of different opening messages, until she settles on something simple and presses send before her brain can overanalyze.

_Jackie: Hey, it's Jackie from cheer._

She sets her phone flat on her chest, feels her heart beating just a bit faster under it. It's only a couple of moments until she feels it vibrate.

_Jan M: Hey! What's up?_

_Jackie: Just wanted to know when you'd like me over tomorrow?_

_Jan M: Right yeah. 2:30 maybe?_

_Jan M: Also, thanks for offering to help. A literal lifesaver!_

Jackie smiles, bites her teeth down on her bottom lip. The nervousness is draining out of her, and she finds herself more and more excited.

_Jackie: No problem! Sounds perfect :)_

The responses stop rolling in after then, and Jackie puts her phone to the side. She debated sending another text, reaching out in an attempt to form some kind of friendship. But she doesn't, because she knows she has homework that wont do itself.

Besides, she'll see Jan tomorrow.

\---

"Oh, going into the queen bee's lair, huh, Jacklyn?"

Nicky nudges Jackie's arm from where they're sat beside each other in the library. Apparently, everyone needs a little help with school work, and Jackie's glad to provide some essay help for Nicky. It gives her a chance to talk about the upcoming study date. Although, maybe telling Nicky wasn't the best idea, because Jackie can already see the teasing comments being loaded into Nicky's brain, aimed right at Jackie.

"It's no big deal." Jackie shrugs, staring at the half-written essay in front of them. "Just studying."

"Yeah, okay," Nicky scoffs, twirls the pencil around in her fingers. "I'm sure you two will be doing plenty of 'studying'"

"Nicky!"

Jackie's mouth gapes at the laughing girl, who has to cover her mouth to keep from disturbing the whole library.

"Focus on your essay. It's due in two class periods." Jackie deflects the conversation, points at the notebook on the table.

It's not like the thought hasn't crossed her mind. It absolutely has, multiple times. Being alone in a pretty girl's room, anything could happen. Jackie knows the chances are extremely thin. And, from what she has seen, Jan has showed no interest in girls. It just makes the possibility even slimmer. However, it's still there. The possibility still exists, and it hangs in the back of Jackie's mind.

Nicky seemed to surrender for a couple minuets, and it's actually Jackie who brings the topic back up. A victim of her own overthinking.

"It's just- it's not like that." Jackie sighs, leaning her arm on the table. "Jan is definitely not into girls."

"You sure?" Nicky raises an eyebrow. 

Jackie's silent for a moment. "I mean, she's always flirting with the football guys." She points out.

"So?" Nicky laughs shortly, a little louder than she should have for their current setting. "You never really know, Jackie. Maybe she's holding some deep lesbian feelings inside, just for you."

Jackie rolls her eyes. "Oh yeah? All these girls in the school, and you think i'm gonna be the one to turn the pretty cheerleader gay?"

"It's possible!"

\---

Jackie arrives at Jan's house at 2:28. She steps out of the car at 2:29 and is knocking on the front door at exactly 2:30.

She spent maybe a little too much time making sure her curls fall just right, that her dress is unwrinkled and her makeup isn't smudged. But she makes it a point to be there right at the time they agreed on, and all the extra effort is worth it when Jan opens the door and smiles.

"Jackie! Hey!" The blonde pulls her in for a brief hug, and the smell of strawberry shampoo hits Jackie immediately.

"Wow, you have great timing." Jan adds, looking down at the time on her phone.

Jackie smiles nervously, her fingers pulling lightly at the hem of her dress. "Yeah, didn't want to keep you waiting, sweets."

The nickname slips out without Jackie's permission, but Jan doesn't seem to mind. She only smiles wider.

Jan beckons her inside and Jackie looks around immediately. The house is small, but simple. It's neat, other than the toys scattered around that Jackie assumes belongs to Jan's younger siblings. There's pictures lining the staircase as Jackie follows them up, snapshots of Jan's childhood leading up to where she is now. It's sweet, and Jackie is smiling the whole way up to Jan's room.

Jan's room, with lavender purple walls that are very different from the off-white walls of the rest of her house. Her bed is made, a soft white comforter set neat and decorated with different shades of purple pillows and stuffed animals. There's a High School Musical poster on the wall, soccer and cheer trophies on the dresser along with some more framed photos of young Jan and her family. The walls are lined with fairy lights, turned off because it's still light outside, but Jackie can see the multi-colored bulbs. She watches the bubbly girl walk over to the speakers on her desk and turn down the already quiet pop music that is just registering in Jackie's ears. It's all very Jan.

"You really like purple, huh?" Jackie blurts out, eyes still scanning the room and taking in all the little details.

Jan has sat herself in the center of her bed, criss-crossed with a big plush bunny in her lap. "It's my absolute favorite color!"

Jackie's still awkwardly standing in the doorway, not sure what to do with herself now that she's actually there. It isn't until Jan is patting the spot beside her that her feet start to move, and she sits at the edge of the bed.

"So, math..."

"Right!" Jan leans off the side of the bed with a lack of grace, almost falls off and grabs at Jackie's knee to keep herself from hitting the floor. She huffs, keeps a firm hand on Jackie while she reaches for her bag, and successfully pulls herself back up without falling on the ground. 

Jackie stares at the hand on her leg, that Jan doesn't remove immediately even when she's back sitting up straight.

Jan pulls her hand away to dig in her bag and pull out a large textbook. She scoots close next to Jackie, leaving the bunny forgotten behind her, and opens the book across both of their laps. It's joined by a notebook, a calculator, and a glittery pencil case. Jackie can smell her shampoo again, as well as the faint trace of vanilla perfume. Even more so, she can feel Jan's thigh pressed against her's, their shoulders barely touching, and it's completely distracting. 

Jackie forces herself to look at the words on the page Jan has turned to. "So, elimination and substitution. We'll start with elimination, it's the easier of the two."

Jan nods along, her eyes following along Jackie's finger while she points to the text on the page. Jackie finds this going a lot smoother than she had originally expected. Jan is really trying to understand, and Jackie can see it. She's engaged, copies down the important information in her notebook as well as any extra tips Jackie gives her, and she asks questions when she's not understanding something. She'll throw in little jokes here and there and the two will laugh and its all very easy. Sometimes, Jackie can feel Jan's gaze looking at her, and they'll briefly look up at each other and smile.

Jackie gives Jan a practice problem. She watches her tackle the problem, really try her best to work it out. Watches the way her brows knit together and she bites her lip and tries to solve it in her head. She's just effortlessly beautiful.

When Jan's finished, she hands it off to Jackie to look it over. Jackie has to look it over a couple of times to really soak in the numbers.

"So close." Jackie says finally, points to one of the numbers. "That should be negative."

Jan sighs in defeat, tilts her head back. "I'm never gonna get this in time for the test!"

"Yes you will, you're already getting it." Jackie encourages, places her hand on Jan's shoulder.

Jan's head comes back down and she frowns. "I probably should have gotten a tutor a lot sooner."

Jackie doesn't mean to pry, but her mouth seems to have a mind of it's own. "Why didn't you?"

The corners of the page bends as Jan focuses on it instead of looking at Jackie. "Didn't want to look dumb, I guess." She mumbles.

It almost makes Jackie's heart break to hear that. Jan's been struggling with mathematics and would rather fail quietly than ask for help and risk gossip. She probably would have continued that cycle if Jackie didn't find that test and offer her help.

"Jan, you're not dumb. You're actually really smart. We've only been at it for what- less than an hour? You'll get there." 

Jan looks up at Jackie, and those lightning eyes are striking right through Jackie's deep brown ones. She opens her mouth to speak, but no words come out of her throat. So Jan leans forward instead.

Jackie's too late to realize what's happening, and Jan's lips are on hers. Jan is _kissing_ her, and her lips are just as soft as they look. Softer even, pillowy and smooth against her own. They taste like peach lipgloss and it takes Jackie more than a second to actually kiss back. Her eyes close and all she can see is swirls of different colors twirling together in her mind and her eyes don't open until Jan has pulled back. 

They open and Jan's staring wide-eyed at her, as if she shocked herself. 

Jackie's shocked too. Her face feels hot and her mind is trying to catch up to reality. 

"I-" Jan tries, but all her effort comes out in a breath.

Jackie can see the hesitance in Jan's face. The silence is stretching on too long, and Jackie clears her throat, looks back down at the textbook.

"So, substitution..."

\---

"Hello? Jackie?"

"Nicky, I have a question." Jackie asks, when she's back in her own bed, and she should be sleeping. Instead, she called Nicky.

"What is it?" Nicky sounds tired.

"Are you a psychic? Be honest." 

It's a stupid question, but Jackie needs to know how Nicky was able to call it like she did.She hit the nail right on the head.

"No?" Nicky asks, confusion clear in her voice. "Why?"

"No reason. Goodnight."

The line cuts off, and Jackie falls back on the bed. Her fingers brush against her own lips, and she can feel the ghost of Jan's still there. Her lips were so soft, addictive, a drug that Jackie already wants more of. They didn't talk about it after it happened. Jackie threw them right back into the work, because Jan seemed just as shocked and confused as Jackie was. Now, she can't help but fear that Jan regrets kissing her, that it really was just an in-the-moment thing that shouldn't have happened. Jackie's hands flatten over her face and she rolls over in her bed, buries her face in the pillows. 

Her phone vibrates by her side, and she lifts her head and grabs for it. The screen lights up with a text message that only makes her smile again

_Jan M: So, when's my next lesson? ;)_


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jackie and jan sneak around, and everything is fine until it's not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally got this chapter out! happy pride month everyone!! enjoy!!

Jackie's tutored people before, but its never quite been like this.  
  
It becomes a sort of routine over the next two weeks, Jackie going over two or three times after school. Jan is usually standing in the front doorway of her house when Jackie arrives. They briefly hug and greet each other until Jackie's father drives away. Before the car is even out of view, Jan grabs Jackie's hand and pulls her up to the bedroom. The door barely clicks shut before Jan has spun around and leans up to kiss Jackie. The taller girl walks her backwards until they hit the bed and fall ungracefully onto the sheets.   
  
"Study first." Jackie mumbles, poking the tip of Jan's nose and making her scrunch her face and nod.  
  
The textbook is pulled out and flipped to the topic of whatever lesson Jan's class is currently working on. Jackie goes over each step written in the book, just like before, sharing her own tips and tricks to solving the example problems printed on the flimsy pages. Jan writes it all down with only a little complaining about her wrist hurting, but she doesn't miss a word Jackie says and makes sure its all copied down onto her notebook. Jackie gives her practice problems and checks them when Jan thinks she's found the answer. When it's wrong, Jackie identifies where the mistakes are and explains how to fix them to Jan. When it's right, Jan receives a soft kiss on her lips.  
  
It's a little weird, they haven't talked about it. Jackie gets a feeling that Jan doesn't want to talk about it, and Jackie wonders if she's playing a risky game kissing Jan as often as she does. But as they have more of these study sessions, Jackie notices Jan getting more and more answers right. The system is working, the kisses seem almost like motivation to Jan, so Jackie doesn't stop doing it.  
  
Also, she just really likes kissing Jan.  
  
Kissing aside, they've grown quite friendly with each other. Jackie finds that Jan is very funny, a sarcastic but sweet humor to her that never fails to make Jackie laugh. She learns that Jan's aiming for a musical theater college and not one that is more cheer or sports oriented, and she learns that Jan wants to dye her hair lavender but is held back by the rules of cheer uniform. Jan seems to also have some sort of fascination with Jackie's hair. Often when they wrap up the lesson and Jackie is waiting on her ride, Jan will braid her hair while filling her in on the gossip she misses when they're at school.  
  
School, where Jackie thought this friendship would transfer over, but does not.   
  
Jan's friendly with her at school, of course. Waving in the halls, brief chats during water breaks at practice. Not much interaction day to day, as Jackie refuses to leave Heidi behind to sit with the other cheer girls at lunch, but there is a lot of staring. Jackie catches Jan's eyes when the blonde is trying to lead warm ups on practice days. She'll throw a wink to Jan from across the cafeteria when she catches the cheerleader staring, and she often receives an embarrassed smile before Jan focuses back on the chatting of the girls around her.  
  
Jackie just assumes Jan is shy, or busy. It's not like they have classes together, and they don't sit at the same lunch table. She doesn't mind the distance put between them during school hours, because she knows she has the study sessions to look forward to.  
  
But Jackie did want to test something, just in case her assumption was wrong.  
  
Her experiment starts on a regular Tuesday. Jackie forgets a notebook in her locker and is excused from her class to get it. Jan also happens to be passing by on the way to the bathrooms further down that hall. There's no one else around, the halls quiet except for distant lectures in the classrooms around them. Jan stops her journey to talk to Jackie, the first time they've spoken that day.  
  
"Hey, Jan." Jackie greets, a smile made permanent on her face.  
  
Jan is smiling too, and she leans against the metal lockers beside Jackie. "Hey Jacks! Excited for our first game?"  
  
The first football game of the year is coming up on Friday, against a rival school that Jackie really didn't bother to remember the name of. It's printed on the back of her cheer shirt, and she makes a mental note to check later.  
  
"Nervous, actually, but excited." Jackie admits.  
  
"You're gonna do great! It's gonna be fun, I promise!"  
  
A beat of silence passes, Jan's eyes burning through Jackie while she almost pulls out the wrong notebook. Jackie grabs the right one instead, that has a colorful pattern printed on the front of it, and with one hand she closes her locker and loops the lock back on. It clicks shut, and she finally meets Jan's gaze. This is her chance.  
  
"Gotta get to class. I'll see you around, cutie."  
  
It's very quick. Jackie leans down and presses a kiss to Jan's glossy lips. Jan seems to lean into it for the short seconds they're connected, until Jackie pulls away and Jan seems to realize that they're not in her bedroom. Her eyes quickly glance around the hall, and when she sees it's just them, she looks back at Jackie and smiles.  
  
"Right, see you later!"  
  
Jackie gets her answer then, and it's half what she expected. She had suspected Jan didn't want anyone to see her kissing girls, or doing anything that might hint there's something more than a platonic relationship here. After all, Jan is still in the closet, never outright said she was into girls to her or anyone else for that matter. What surprises Jackie the most is that in that moment, she doesn't care that Jan's embarrassed to be seen kissing her. She doesn't care that she might just be an experiment to the blonde, that Jan really just might be a confused straight girl testing her attractions on a girl who's out and proud. She should care, she's sure she'll care later, but right now it doesn't matter.  
  
Jackie just wants to keep kissing Jan.  
  
\---  
  
Over the next three days, Jackie finds out that she is a lot sneakier than she thought she was. And so is Jan.  
  
They continue to sneak kisses outside of the security of Jan's bedroom. In the locker room when the rest of the girls are already gone, Jackie will leave a couple of pecks on Jan's lips before running out to her car. In the hallways during classes, when Jackie continues to "forget" her notebook and catches Jan's lips while she is heading towards the bathrooms. Even in the library, when Jan's math teacher suggests a more useful textbook and Jackie slips a kiss between the math and fantasy sections.  
  
Jackie got hopeful each time, because Jan seemed to like it. She appeared to like the kissing, like the sneakiness of it. Jackie knows she already head over heels for Jan, that is not new to her, but now she realizes there is a possibility that Jan might be feeling the same way. Or, at least, she's starting to.  
  
At the start of practice on Thursday, Jackie overhears Jan and Jaida bickering.  
  
"Jaida, you said you'd stay and help! Tomorrow is the game and my high kick is severely suffering!"  
  
Jackie pretends she's not listening, and instead picks at the small _Star Trek_ pin on her backpack.   
  
"I'm sorry girl. I totally forgot I promised i'd go with Rock to the mall." Jaida says, shrugging her shoulders. "I'm sure someone here is willing to stay and help you out."  
  
Jaida walks away then, and Jackie hears Jan's frustrated sigh behind her. She decides to get up then, approach the girl who is pulling her ponytail tighter with a force that is not needed. Jackie briefly worries that if she pulls any harder, her pretty blonde hair will fall out. The thought passes quickly as she walks up to her, leans her head a bit to look at Jan, waves and receives a halfhearted smile in return.   
  
"What was that with Jaida?" Jackie asks, as if she didn't hear the whole interaction.   
  
Jan rolls her eyes. "I asked her for some extra help with my high kicks and she bailed on me at the last second."  
  
Jackie's no gymnast. She's not particularly flexible. She can't do splits like the majority of the other girls on the team, and her high kicks aren't something to brag about either. But she doesn't like seeing the small frown that finds it's way onto Jan's lips, or the irritation in her furrowed eyebrows. Jackie just wants to see her smiling again, so she offers up her own time to make that smile come back.  
  
"I'll help!" Jackie blurts.  
  
"What?"  
  
"I mean-" Jackie pulls at the edges of her own shorts. "I'm not super flexible, but it's just high kicks, right? Can't be that hard."  
  
Jan is smiling again, and Jackie's goal is achieved.  
  
"That'd be really great. Thanks, Jacks."  
  
\---  
  
Jackie lets her dad know that she's staying later than usual while the girl's are changing in the locker rooms and slowly clearing out the gym.  
  
It always amazes her to see how the girls rush to get in and out of there. She doesn't even know why they bother changing at the end of practice if they're just going home anyways. Maybe that's just Jackie, maybe she's one of the few that doesn't have plans to go to the mall or out on dates after practices. Her afternoons after cheer are usually spent doing homework and watching reruns of her favorite Netflix shows.   
  
On the brighter side, the gym clears out very quickly, and all that's left is Jackie sitting on the bleachers with a bottle of water and Jan leaning on the wall and texting away on her phone.  
  
"C'mon Jacks! Let's get this over with!"  
  
Jackie leaves her bottle and bag behind to join Jan at the padded gym wall. She watches the blonde toss her phone on top of her own backpack and grin up at her. Jackie's not sure what to do, and she makes sure to voice that to Jan.  
  
"Oh, it's real simple, girl. I'm just gonna put my leg right up on your shoulder, and all you have to do is grab it and push it up. Got it?"  
  
Jackie nods slowly. "And if I hurt you?"  
  
"Sweetie," Jan smiles, "don't worry about that. I'm real flexible. But i'll let you know if it hurts too much, okay?"  
  
Jackie nods again. It's simple enough. Jan stands with her back flat against the wall, takes Jackie by the shoulders and positions her in front of her. Jan nods her head to check that Jackie's ready, Jackie nods back, and with a swift movement Jan's leg is brought up and lands with her ankle on Jackie's shoulder. Jackie places her hands on Jan's shins and starts pushing her leg towards her body.   
  
"Like this?"  
  
"Yeah, just keep going, doll!"  
  
Jackie brings her body closer as her hands continue to support Jan's leg and bring it up further. Jan's head lolls down, clearly feeling the stretch by the way her eyes close tight for a moment. Her hands leave where they're laid flat against the wall and come to rest on Jackie's shoulders for extra support. Her leg remains locked straight and just as Jackie thinks Jan can't go any higher, the blonde looks back up and smiles encouragingly. So Jackie keeps going, one hand sliding down Jan's smooth skin to the underside of her thigh, and she comes closer to the girl.  
  
"Right there, stop." Jan says, bringing Jackie to a halt.  
  
Jackie looks up at Jan, meets eyes that she sees in her dreams every night. She doesn't know entirely why, but having Jan pinned against the wall with sweat glistening on her forehead and her leg stretched out almost up to her body, she looks even more stunning than she usually does. Jackie dares to lean closer, tilt her head just a bit to the side and brush her lips to Jan's.  
  
It's longer than their usual pecks and quick kisses exchanged when no one's looking. Their lips slide against each other and even without the fruity taste of lipgloss Jan usually wears, Jackie is completely addicted. Jan's knee bends and hooks over Jackie's shoulder, replacing the hand that now gently cups her face. One of Jackie's own hands rests on Jan's hips, starts to slide up under her t-shirt.  
  
Both of Jan's hands are on her face now, but instead of bringing her closer, they're pushing her off.  
  
"Jackie stop-" Jan breathes. "Stop, I can't do this."  
  
Jan's foot lands back on the floor before Jackie has even opened her eyes. Confusion hits her at the same time as Jan's words, and she takes a couple of steps back to her original spot to give Jan space.   
  
"What- what happened?"   
  
"This isn't right." Jan's hands cover her face, wipe down while she shakes her head. "I'm not into girls."

"Jan-"

"I'm straight, okay?"  
  
Jackie feels her heart drop down to her feet, shatter into tiny pieces like glass at the words she hoped she would never hear from Jan.   
  
"But-"   
  
"I'll see you tomorrow, Jackie."  
  
Jan's already grabbed her bag, and is already walking towards the door. It closes with a echoing thud, and Jackie's left staring at the spot where Jan just was.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jan and jackie find comfort in their families.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woah!! i'm back!!!  
> this took way longer than i intended but i promise i haven't forgotten!  
> i've been very busy with work and graduation and such. i can't promise that these updates will be as fast and frequent as they use to be, but i wont forget!!  
> enjoy this not great chapter!

Jan messed up. She knows it as soon as heavy doors click shut behind her.  
  
It echos in her ears and she stands just outside them and listens. She's not sure what she's listening for. Footsteps maybe? A voice? Any sign that Jackie is still alive in there, that Jan didn't absolutely crush her like the dirt under her sneakers. There's no sound, for several long moments, only the swishing of the leaves of the big tree outside of the gym. The only other sound is Jan's sneakers when she finally walks towards her car, the clicking when she unlocks it and the loud slam when she closes the door a little too aggressively.   
  
The lies still burn on Jan's tongue, and it feels like she's just swallowed a gallon of poison and spit it back out in Jackie's face.  
  
She absolutely isn't straight. Absolutely is into girls. It felt right and she wanted to let Jackie continue. And yet Jan said the complete opposite, because it scared her. Scared her how much she wanted Jackie's touch to continue up her body, how her fingers burned so pleasantly on her already heated and sweaty skin. How soft her lips were, how special that particular kiss felt, how she could taste the passion and emotion that transferred from Jackie's mouth into her own.  
  
It scared her, because she's never felt that before. Not with guys, not even with the few girls she's ever kissed in her life. It was too perfect, and too much, so she ran.  
  
Jan drives home with tears blurring her already not great vision. It's risky but her house is just a couple minuets away, and she keeps it together just enough to pull into her driveway. The engine turns off with a growl and all that's left is the sound of Jan's sobs. Her hands grip tight around the top of her steering wheel and her forehead rests on her arms. Tear drops fall from her eyes and onto her skin, a mix of mascara and regret. She doesn't want to move, just sit there and follow, but a tap at her window makes her pick her head up.   
  
Outside is Charlie, Jan's younger brother. He's 6 years old, and looking at her with confusion.   
  
The door cracks open and his little fingers are already prying it open. Jan helps the door push open more, and the little boy frowns.   
  
"Jannie, are you okay?" His small voice asks.  
  
Jan nods her head, grabs her bag and the key out of the ignition. She forces a smile for him. "Yeah, buddy, i'm okay."  
  
"Why are you crying?"  
  
It occurs to her that her brother has probably never seen her cry. All her tears are saved for the privacy of her bedroom, where he doesn't like to go in because it's "too girly." Her hands wipe at the wetness on her cheeks and she pulls herself out of the car, with her bag over her shoulder and her keys tucked into the side pocket. When the door is shut, she scoops the small kid up in her arms, and balances him on her side.  
  
"Jannie had a bad day, that's all." She sniffles, walking them inside.  
  
"I have bad days too." Charlie says, understanding more than Jan thought a 6 year old boy could.   
  
Jan smiles genuine this time, and presses a kiss into his messy brown hair.   
  
"You know what cheers me up?"  
  
"What?" Jan hums.  
  
"Ice cream!"  
  
Jan chuckles, locks the front door behind them and sets him back on the ground.   
  
"Me too." Her hand ruffles his hair, and she leans down to speak quietly to him. "Why don't you go beg mom to buy us some?"  
  
"Okay!"  
  
The little boy starts to run off to the office their mother uses as a studio for her theater costumes, but stops halfway through. Jan watches through eyes that are still red and puffy as she turns around and comes barreling towards her again. His little body thumps into her and his short arms wrap around her as best as they can. Jan feels like she might cry again, but she chuckles, and ruffles his hair again.  
  
"Thanks, Charlie."  
  
\---  
  
Jackie's quiet throughout the whole car ride home. She's been quiet, hasn't made a sound since Jan ran out on her. She's surrounded in silence, but her mind is anything but.   
  
"You're being quiet, Jacklyn." Her mother comments halfway to the house.  
  
Rarely is it her mother that picks her up from practice. It's usually her father, or both of them, but almost never her mother. Jackie wishes it was her father today. She can't talk as freely to her mother as she can with her father. She certainly can't tell her mother that she's been sneaking around with a pretty girl, caught feelings, and then got her heart broken when said pretty girl admitted she doesn't feel that way.  
  
Jackie shrugs. "Bad day."  
  
"Did you fail a test?"  
  
"No, mom." She scoffs. Of course, school is the first thing she thinks of. "Just a headache."  
  
Her mother hums. "Take some medicine when we get home. Lay down for a while before you do homework, and i'll make tea."  
  
Jackie smiles slightly. It may seem like a small gesture, but coming from her mother, it means the world.  
  
They pull up to the house, and Jackie jumps out of the car before the engine has even turned off. Her bag hangs loose in her hand, she doesn't bother to put it on properly, and she grabs the house key out of the front pocket. Her father is sitting on the couch when she gets inside, and distantly she can hear his voice, but she walks past him and into her room. The door shuts loudly, and Jackie feels like she can breathe.  
  
Stupid, she tells herself. Fucking stupid.  
  
Jackie knew Jan was straight. Everyone knows. She's Janet Mantione, pretty, popular, _straight_ cheer captain. And Jackie is just Jackie, a useless lesbian that got too caught up in a curious straight girl like a fool. She wants to be mad, feels like she should be. Mad that Jan ran away, left her standing there feeling dumb and heartbroken. Jackie's not mad though. For a moment, it felt like they would be a thing. That Jan was into her, would be with her. Jackie was even willing to accommodate, keep things quiet until Jan was ready to come out. Of course, that was not the case. Jackie isn't mad, she's just sad.  
  
The curtains in her room stay closed, and Jackie hides her tears in the darkness of the room. It's so silent, even with her mind screaming at her. She wishes Jan was there to fill the silence, and to keep her mean brain at bay.  
  
There's a couple of soft knocks at the door to which Jackie doesn't respond. She doesn't even look up until the smell of chamomile drifts over her.  
  
"Hey, honey-girl."  
  
The bed weighs down as her father sits on the edge, places the steaming red mug to the side. Jackie sniffles, uselessly wipes her face and sits up. Her lips pull in a tiny smile at the nickname he's created because of her love of honey and tea.  
  
"Why so blue in the face?"   
  
His hand is warm on her shoulder and she leans against him, shakes her head. "I messed up, dad."  
  
"What happened, honey?"  
  
Jackie feels more tears rolling down her face. She tries to wipe them away, but they keep coming.   
  
"A girl."  
  
No details, but he seems to get it just from those two words. He engulfs her in a hug and her body shakes with tears, unable to be held back. His hugs have always felt the safest. The flannel of his shirt has a permanent cologne smell and his arms feel like comforting pillows and it's what she needed. However, she can't help but wish that she was in Jan's arms instead.  
  
"I'm so stupid, dad."  
  
"Jackie," Her father pulls away, the stern in his voice contrasting the softness in his face, "You are anything but! You are such a smart little lady, and i'm proud of you. We both are."  
  
Jackie nods, wipes her face one more time.   
  
"Come on, drink up before it gets cold." He lifts the drink from the tale, places the warm mug in Jackie's hands. "I'll get the _Star Trek_ DVDs, my little Trekkie."  
  
The brunette chuckles, nudges him slightly while he ruffles her hair. She takes a sip and it's perfect, warms the cold sadness in her body. Her heart still hurts, and she doesn't know how she'll face Jan tomorrow. But she's lucky to have her dad here.  
  
"Thanks, dad."


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's game day, and the girls must finally face each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> do i know what this is? no. am i making this up as i go? absolutely!  
> enjoy, loves!

Jackie wakes up two hours earlier than she usually does on Friday. It's hot in her room, or maybe it's just her, but the single thin sheet remaining on her body sticks to her skin and feels unreasonably warm. A groan escapes her lips as she rolls over and reaches for her phone. The screen lights up in the darkness of the room and makes her squint her eyes. She blinks a couple times until they adjust, but there's no notifications on the screen.  
  
There's no message from Jan. No goodnight message, that Jackie's become use to waking up to because she tends to fall asleep before Jan.  
  
The sheet peels from her body and Jackie feels disgusting, inside and out. Her hair is a tangled mess and her skin is hot, but inside she feels ice cold. Sadness seeps in with the memory of what happened the previous afternoon. It feels heavy on her chest, and it feels a lot harder to pull herself out of bed because of it. But after a short pity party, Jackie manages to pull herself up and out of bed. She's up an hour earlier than intended, so she figures she might as well shower.  
  
Today is the first football game of the year, and Jackie is nervous. She knows the cheers, practiced the dances, and yet she can feel her skin crawl with anxiety while the hot water runs over her. It stays there while she brushes out her hair, dries and curls it. It pricks at her mind while she's applying pink lipstick and mascara. It isn't until she's tightening the high ponytail on her head and adding the big, purple, sparkly bow that Jackie realizes she's nervous about seeing Jan again.  
  
Jackie doesn't want to face her. Facing Jan makes it real, and Jackie isn't ready to face the reality of the rejection. It still hurts.   
  
All the cheerleaders are required to wear their uniforms to school, and it's the first time Jackie's putting it on since she's received it. The pink skirt is tight around her waist and short around her thighs. The top is also pink and fitted to her body, and it has the school initials in big purple letters across the front. It's not something Jackie would typically wear. The skirt is shorter than any other she owns, and her arms feel exposed without a jacket or sweater. But she feels pretty, and that's the first positive feeling she's felt all morning, so she rolls with it.  
  
\---  
  
Jan wont look at her.   
  
Maybe Jackie shouldn't be looking to the blonde often enough to know Jan wont look at her. It's like Jan is a magnet for her eyes, constantly drawing her gaze anytime they're in the same room. But every time Jackie looks, Jan's back is turned, or she's talking to someone, or doing anything but looking at her. Jackie wasn't expecting a full conversation, a hug or a kiss, but she was _at least_ hoping for a glance and a smile.  
  
Jackie misses Jan's smile. It's visible when Jan is talking to Gigi in the hall, but it's not the same as the ones Jan gave her. The ones Jackie thought were saved just for her.  
  
The day feels ridiculously long. Classes drag on for hours and Jackie searches for distractions. Heidi can't stop obsessing over Jackie in her uniform. She promises to be in the stands at the game, and it brings a smile to Jackie's face. Nicky fixes Jackie's lipstick in the bathroom after lunch and straightens out her bow. It helps, and Jackie's grateful for both of them. But school ends, Jackie's mind is back on Jan, and every possible scenario that could happen when she walks through those gym doors for practice.  
  
Jackie waits on the bleachers, as she always does. She's there before most of the girls, constantly looking at the doors every time they open, until the blonde walks through.  
  
"Hi, Jackie."  
  
Jan waves as she walks past. She doesn't stop to talk more than that, and she barely smiles. Jackie can only give a halfhearted wave back.   
  
It's something, Jackie tells herself when she feels her heart tighten. A sign that maybe their friendship isn't ruined. That maybe this is all just a bump in the road, and all they need is a little time to move past it. That would be best case scenario, but Jackie knows it's easier said than done. Her heart still feels cracked, and that's not something that can be repaired by a smile and wave.  
  
"You look like a kicked puppy, Jacklyn," Nicky stops in front of Jackie with her arms crossed. "Why so down?"  
  
"I'm not-"  
  
Jackie scoffs, "I'm now _down,_ Nicky."  
  
Nicky hums disbelievingly. Jackie stands up, walks past her to join the girls gathering for warm ups. She still hasn't told Nicky or Heidi about what's happened between her and Jan. Any of it.  
  
"I'm fine!"  
  
Another hum comes from Nicky and Jackie ignores it. She's well aware that Nicky can see right through her as if she's made of glass. It's been that way since they met only weeks ago. But Jackie wont admit that she's not so fine. It's not so much that she's scared to tell her, or Heidi. They've become her closest friends this year. She's more so embarrassed to admit that she was enough of a foolish lesbian to fall for a confused straight girl.   
  
Jackie takes her spot towards the back of the group, with Nicky by her side. Practice goes as usual, the only difference being the mass of short cheer skirts swishing around and the fact that it's Gigi leading them through it all, not Jan. Jackie focus her attention on the basic choreography of the cheers and not on how cute Jan looks with glitter on her cheeks and time flies quicker than she realizes.  
  
Practice ends, and instead of the girls flooding the locker room, they break off into their little established friend groups. They've got two hours to waste until the game. Many of them leave to get food, and some wander around the school. Jackie just finds herself in her spot on the bleaches once again, with her phone in one hand and a half-empty bottle of water in the other.  
  
"Jackie," Nicky calls. Gigi and Rock trail behind her. "We're going to get food, do you want to come?"  
  
The brunette looks up at them. Jan isn't with them. Jackie shakes her head.  
  
"No thanks, hun. I'm not hungry."  
  
She really feels like she can't eat. She's too nervous already, and she's not willing to risk getting sick in front of the whole school. Nicky doesn't push it, and Jackie's grateful when she just nods and the three girls walk off.   
  
They gym is mostly empty now. There's a couple of girls huddled together at the top of the bleachers, and some stragglers scattered around the room. Jackie has her eyes trained on nothing in particular, stares blankly in the direction of the big doors she watched the girls leave through, until there's another voice that pulls her back into reality.  
  
"You're not going with them?"  
  
The benches squeak as Jan sits down, with a notable amount of distance between her and Jackie.   
  
"No," Jackie looks at her, shrugs. The tension is already thick and it's been less than a minuet. "Had a big lunch."  
  
Silence falls over them for seconds that feel like minuets.  
  
"Is this awkward?" Jan asks, fidgets with the fabric of her skirt.  
  
"Yeah, it is."   
  
Jackie's not going to lie to Jan the way she's lied to all of her friends. She's not going to say that it's fine, that they're okay and it doesn't matter. Jan deserves the truth. It's awkward, it's heavy, and she's sure Jan feels it too.   
  
"I'm-"  
  
Jackie stands up before Jan can get her words out.  
  
"I'm going to go fix my hair." She lifts her bag, slings it over her shoulder. She can't have this conversation right now.  
  
"I'll see you at the game, Jan."  
  
\---  
  
Jackie never realized how bright the stadium lights really are. They're bright from the bleachers, but feel almost blinding from the sidelines.   
  
They feel like a spot light, and Jackie kind of loves it.  
  
As promised, Heidi is in the stands. She's wearing school colors in the form of a purple skirt and a pink shirt - Heidi told her it was her way of trying to help Jackie feel more comfortable in her uniform, and Jackie loves her for it. She's sitting next to Crystal, who stands out with her colorful button up shirt and glittery makeup that reflects the light. Together, they're voicing their support for the squad, and Jackie feels at ease.   
  
Almost at ease, because in most of the cheers her position is right behind Jan.   
  
It's completely distracting every time Jan kicks her leg up and cheers loud and bubbly, waves her pom-poms in the air. Jackie feels wrong for continuing to look at her like that. Like they still have a chance. Fact is that Jackie still thinks Jan is beautiful, and even though it hurts every time she looks at her, she can't pull her eyes away.  
  
They get a break at halftime while the school's marching band in on the field, entertaining the crowd and giving the squad a brief break. Jackie spends it leaning over the fence talking to Heidi.  
  
"You know Jackie, I had my doubts about this cheerleading foolishness but," Heidi grins, grips the chain fence, "You're really shining up there!"  
  
Jackie shrugs. "It's a team effort."  
  
"Don't be modest, girl! You're doing great! Didn't think you could kick that high. I'm thoroughly impressed."  
  
"I told you I was cheerleader material." Jackie says with a smirk.  
  
"I stand corrected!"  
  
The buzzer goes off, and Jackie says a quick goodbye to Heidi and rejoins the squad. They're already getting into positions for a cheer, and Jackie catches Jan looking at her while she joins them. Jackie meets her eyes, can't quite force a smile and pulls her lips tight together. Jan's smile falls and Jackie only barely catches it as she takes her spot behind the blonde. She pushes the thought of Jan to the back of her mind, and focuses on the dance that's started by Gigi.  
  
The dance consists of some basic choreography and cheers that take just a little more complicated than the other. There's even a lift at the end. Jan, being the captain, is the one being lifted, with Gigi and Jaida as her base and Rock spotting from behind. Jackie's spot is off to the side, swinging her hips around and shaking her pom-poms. All the girls smile and cheer while Jan is lifted up on the last beat, and the crowd claps loud.  
  
There's a quiver in her knee, a misstep, and Jan tumbles ungracefully out of the air and into the arms of the girls below her. The crowd quiets for a long moment.   
  
Jackie barely realizes whats happening until Jan's heavy footsteps are pounding on the concrete and the blonde is fleeing the scene. The crowd murmurs between each other, and Jackie hears some scattered laughs in the stands that make her blood boil. The girls look between each other, Gigi mumbles something to Rock and Jaida is on her tip-toes trying to see where Jan ran off to. None of them go after her, so Jackie takes it upon herself to find her..  
  
Because no matter what kind of tension and hurt hangs over them, Jackie still cares about Jan.  
  
It's takes five minuets for Jackie to find Jan. Jackie searches under the bleachers, behind the concession stand, and lastly the bathrooms. It's there that she finds the blonde, sniffling in the mirror and desperately trying to save her makeup from her own tears. Jackie opens the door slowly, and Jan jumps when it creaks. And then she relaxes when she realizes it's just Jackie.   
  
"I've never messed up a routine at a game." Jan mumbles as if she needs to give an explanation, while she's wiping her fingers under her bottom lashes in an attempt to keep her mascara from running.  
  
"It's not-"  
  
Jackie bites her lip, steps closer to her.  
  
"It wasn't that bad. I mean, you nailed everything else. It was almost perfect."  
  
"Don't you understand, Jackie?" Jan sighs and turns to face Jackie. "It can't just be _almost_ perfect. It has to be perfect! Everyone expects me to be perfect and I have to be perfect and i'm _not_ -"  
  
"Jan! Jan stop, hun."   
  
Jackie grips Jan's shoulders firm, stares back into her teary eyes. The last time they were this close, looking at each other face to face, Jackie's heart was broken.   
  
"You are perfect, Jan." Jackie starts, letting her hands drift down to hold onto Jan's. They're soft, as they always are. "It's okay to mess up sometimes. You're still amazing. I mean, no one can belt a high note like you! Let alone balance soccer, cheer, theater _and_ regular school."  
  
Jan smiles while she looks down the the floor. Jackie doesn't stop there.  
  
"No one can expect you to never make a mistake. You're only one person, Jan, and you _are_ perfect."  
  
Jan blinks, sniffles. She stares at Jackie with watery eyes, but doesn't say a word.  
  
And then Jan leans forward fast, presses her lips hard and fiercely against Jackie's. The brunette almost stumbles over her own feet as Jan walks her backwards, until her back hits the cold tile of the bathroom wall. Jackie's hands scramble to grab onto Jan's waist and she struggles to catch up with the movement of Jan's lips on her own. It's fiery and deep and only ends when Jackie pushes Jan back slightly. Jan tries to catch her lips again with a small whine, and Jackie turns her head to the side.  
  
"You're confused." Jackie mumbles.  
  
Jan takes a couple steps back. "What?"  
  
"I said you're confused, Jan." Jackie covers her face with her hands, drag them down with a long sigh. "Just yesterday you told me you were straight, and now you're kissing me. Again. Like, do you not realize straight girls don't kiss their friends?"  
  
It sounds harsher than Jackie intended, and she can see the hesitance in Jan's eyes. The blonde sniffles, searches for words to say.  
  
"I panicked, Jackie." Jan finally says.  
  
"So you kissed me?"  
  
"No, not now," Jan rolls her eyes, "Yesterday, in the gym. You kissed me and I liked it, so I told you I was straight.."  
  
It all clicks in Jackie's head then, at that exact moment. A light bulb that finally lights up in her head that should have gone off when they first started to sneak around. Jan isn't straight, Jackie understands that now. She just believes that she should be, because that's what everyone else wants her to be. It's why Jan never told anyone about them, and it's why Jan panicked when short innocent kisses became more.  
  
Jackie thinks she understands all of that now, but she wants to be sure.  
  
"What exactly are you saying here, Jan?"  
  
The blonde steps back up to Jackie, grabs her hands once more and smiles. The special kind of smile, that's saved just for Jackie.  
  
"I really like you, Jackie. Like, in a totally gay way."  
  
Jackie can't fight the smile and chuckle that breaks onto her lips. It's all she's wanted to hear since she first met Jan. It's like a dream coming true, one Jackie almost let go of and is glad she held on to.   
  
They come closer too each other, and Jackie leans up to kiss Jan once again. She stops though, when the buzzer goes off and they can hear it through the walls. Jan chuckles, and Jackie can't resist joining her.  
  
"We should probably go back out there. The game is almost over." Jan mumbles, hesitantly letting go of Jackie's hands.  
  
Jackie rolls her eyes, places her hands on the sides of Jan's face instead.  
  
"It can wait a minuet."  
  
\---  
  
Jackie and Jan walk side by side back onto the field during the 4th quarter of the game. It's almost the end, and the other cheer girls are in the middle of a cheer. They look and sound amazing, even with two missing spots that they work around flawlessly. Jackie glances to Jan, and the blonde is watching the girls with a glimmer of pride in her eyes.   
  
When they're done, and they notice the two standing there, the squad rushes over. They're all over Jan, especially Gigi, Jaida, and Rock, making sure she's okay. Jackie steps out of the crowd and watches with a smile on her face. It's amazing to see how much the squad care for each other, especially their captain.  
  
"So, you and Jan..."   
  
Nicky walks up beside Jackie, a wide smirk on her face. Her hands rest on her hips and her hair is slightly messed from cheering. She looks at Jackie knowingly, and it makes Jackie feel hot in the face. Nicky only grins wider.  
  
"I have no idea what you're talking about." Jackie crosses her arms.  
  
Nicky raises a hand to Jackie's face, wipes her thumb along the side of Jackie's mouth.  
  
"Your lipstick is smudged, Jacklyn."  
  
Jackie's eyes widen comically, and she frantically wipes her fingers around her mouth in an attempt to blindly fix her lipstick.  
  
"Shut up!" Jackie whines, but a smile sticks to her lips permanently.


End file.
